*See what I did there? I’m so darn punny. Ha! 
Anyway, this post and its contents have no real impact on the current cycle** or, well, really on anything, but I have been wondering about it. And I figured if anyone has a good answer it’ll be all of you.
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I hate HPTs. I hate taking HPTs. I hate thinking about taking HPTs. But as you all know, it doesn’t matter how my heart feels about the fucking tests; it only matters what that little voice inside my head can convince me of… and at about 10dpo the little voice starts saying things like, “If it worked, there could be a line.” “You could be feeling excited now instead of sad.” “Just do it. All the cool kids are.”
I try and resist. Sometimes I manage to, other times not so much. This past cycle? BFN stands for Big Fat No in terms of waiting it out…
And, when I broke down and tested at 11dpiui, this is what I got:
I admit a tiny part of me was excited, while the much larger part of me thought that it was probably just an evaporation line. Later that afternoon I took another test to see if a similar line appeared. It didn’t really:
So, what do you guys think? Residual trigger at 13 days past trigger? Evaporation line from the antibody strip? Super early chemical pregnancy? I’d love your opinions.
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**Speaking of the current cycle, well, there IS one, so that’s saying something (and it’s been approved by insurance – woohoo!). Baseline was all clear and we’re giving it one final go. Also had the IVF consult and everyone is on board should this cycle flop.
I’m sorry if yesterday’s post was a bit confusing. It didn’t even occur to me that the irony of plus signs on my dress would be taken as anything but news of another BFN. Of course, as I sat staring at my reflection on the bus, it was impossible to see them as anything else – a slap in the face, a slap in my own face since I’d done the choosing, and a reminder of what I didn’t get this month. A bit melodramatic perhaps, but that is the truth.
I’ve not posted much about this past cycle. If I’m being totally honest it’s largely because I don’t feel comfortable. I’ve written about this ad nauseum, I know, but feeling more and more broken each cycle, both compared to my own experience the first time around and to those around me in real life and in the blogosphere, is wearing on a girl. I know it’s largely (or completely) a mental roadblock on my end of things, not unlike the little voice in my head that prevents me from going to a neighborhood running club because seeing all of those people going strong as I struggle to keep up would only make me feel more like a failure. My trainer says that’s silly, that no one judges like that, not in a community running club anyway, and everyone who ever started running knows what it’s like to struggle at the beginning. The same is surely true here, but regardless of how many times I tell myself that, I simply can’t believe it – not in the one case or in the other.
In short, it’s embarrassing to be the girl struggling at the back of the pack.
But that is my reality for the time being. I know the only way to make my way up to the “pack” is to just keep working at it; if I quit now I’ll certainly never get there. So I’ll go in for a baseline appointment and see how things stand. A combination of things has come together to make it likely that this month we’ll actually do one more “final IUI” before moving to IVF next month (primarily the issue is a 10-day trip to Portugal in mid-June that would make starting IVF now impossible, but there’s also been an insurance snafu in my favor meaning we have covered IUI cycles still…). I have little hope that this cycle will work, but worse yet would be not even getting to try for a month. I think. Of course, I say that now but will likely have a residual cyst at baseline turning this final IUI into a cycle on the bench instead. We’ll see.
So, I know I’m late with this and I have other things to post about that might interest you all more, but I do want to do a round-up post for my personal April healthy living challenge. You can read about my challenge here and here, but basically to sum it up here are my goals and how I did on them:
- Bootcamp 4 mornings/week for the next four weeks – DID IT. I didn’t miss a single day (the first one ever to do that, according to my trainer, but really she gets some of the merit because when I couldn’t go in the morning she met me in the afternoon, etc. I LOVE her.)
- Yoga at least 1 or 2 times/week. – Nope. Nada. Not at all. I guess I didn’t need it? I dunno. Yoga is good but I wanted nothing to do with my Yoga for Fertility DVD so I just stayed away from it all.
- Max out on fruit and vegetable servings each day. (My goal is 2.5c veggies and 1.5c fruit.) – DID IT! Really concentrating on my fruits and veggies kept me on track to eat healthily without feeling like I was on a diet. An apple with good cheddar cheese is STILL a serving of fruit, after all. I averaged right around 2 servings of fruit and 3 of veggies each day, although it was usually a bit more during the week and a bit less on the weekend. But it all balances out, right? The green smoothies help a ton as I get almost 1 full serving of each in with that. This weeks’ include pineapple and pineapple core. You know, just in case it helps.
- No ordering out for dinner. – DID IT! This was tough as we neared the end of the month and the long holiday weekend (this past weekend was 5 glorious days!). But we DID IT!
- Limit white flour – DID IT! I’d say I maybe had 10 servings of white flour over the course of the month? And probably all of those were on the weekend. So, not bad.
As for how this challenge helped get me in fighting shape… well, let’s let the numbers do the talking. Over the course of 4 weeks I lost 2 pounds (so not a huge drop, but I’m at a “healthy weight” anyway so not a big surprise) and… dun dun dun: 5.5” over my body. I am super duper happy with and proud of the inches lost from my body. I lost almost 1.5” each on my hips and lower abdomen – precisely where I need to lose it most. I am buying pants that are 1-2 sizes smaller than before. I can totally SEE the difference in my body and it’s wonderful. I feel strong and healthy and FIT. It rocks.
The bootcamp has seriously been revolutionary for me. I know that part of it is that I’m basically on my own with a personal trainer and that is INCREDIBLE. But, honestly, I think it’s largely because of the WAY I workout now. I’ve killed myself on the elliptical and the treadmill in the past, and it’s gotten me almost nowhere. Now I’m doing something kind of similar to HIIT and, DAMN, the results are amazing. My trainer is only living in Madrid through the end of the year and I’m already lamenting that fact. I will miss her so much. In the meantime, I’ve signed up for (and started this morning) another 4-week bootcamp. It’ll take me to the end of the month at which point I’ll be 1 week away from the arrival of my family for a nice summer visit. So this is MY TIME to really kick ass and get into the best shape I can. Because in 5 weeks I’m indulging in a lot of sangria (or hopefully not, but you know what I mean) and in 5.5 weeks I’m lounging on the sandy coast of Portugal. So, yeah, Spring Ahead for the WIN!
Years ago my father would take special pleasure in finding and wearing a new Earth Day shirt each year. He always joked that it took a special man to share a birthday with the Earth.
I’d have to agree.
Happy birthday, Dad. I miss you.
